How do I judge myself? Let me count the ways

Do you ever think, “OMG if someone just saw me do that or heard me think that I swear I’d be ostracized from society?” I’m really banking on not being the only one who does, so that on Judgment Day there are other weirdoes who have racked up more crazy points than I have.

As a 20-something in New York City, my judgment senses are always tingling, but recently I’ve been the biggest blip on my own radar.

How do I judge me? Let me count the ways:

1. Signing up for OkCupid, IvyDate, and DateMySchool accounts all in one night. And then proceeding to actively use all of them.

2. When I pick my subway car based on how many hotties I spy with my little eye as it roles into the station.

3. When my classmates are talking about all the moving documentaries they watched over the weekend and I can’t contribute because I spent my time watching Dance Moms, 30 Rock, and finding the latest Honey Boo Boo gifs on BuzzFeed.

4. When it’s Friday night and my friends are out drinking pints of beer and I’m at home with a pint of my own: Ben & Jerry.

5. When I buy two lattes a day (but don’t have the money to pay my rent or bills on time). I just need to stop and ask myself, “Self, do you really need this latte?”

6. When I actually take my headphones off because I want to listen to, and watch, subway performers. “I hit you, I pay you.” Sweet, by all means then, please whack me in the face as you do a handstand in the middle of the D train.

7. When I listen to JAY-Z’s “Empire State of Mind” or Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York” while walking in the City.

8. When I use the YouTube app to listen to “Perfect Day” from the Legally Blonde soundtrack. “It’s the perfect day, nothing standing in my way,” except for the fact that I got laid off, can’t pay my bills, and am listening to “Perfect Day” from the Legally Blonde soundtrack.

9. When I post selfies on Instagram but try to have a cool background to distract from the fact that I’m posting a selfie on Instagram. I don’t give a rip about the background; I just know I look damn good.

2012: Live, Learn, and be Annoying

It’s hard to believe that I have lived in New York for one year – time flies when you’re broke out the a$$ and annoying your followers on social media.

My motto for 2012: Live and Learn

- Live in Harlem, learn not to get a hair cut at a place called “Sisters”

- Live in New York, learn not to stand on the left side of an escalator

- Live in a sublet, learn if the leasee you’re renting from is actually paying the rent

I once said, “The city I see before me holds so much: dreams, heartbreak, failures, success, lessons, hardship, highs and lows. All of these I have encountered before, but this times it’s different. This isn’t T-ball, I’m in the big leagues now. I will reach higher, fall harder, dream bigger, fail more, and chase the life of fulfillment I know is out there for me.”

Dreams: Check

Heartbreak: Double check

Failures: Checkmate

Success: A ‘lil

Lessons: Hell yeah

Hardship: Can’t even tell you

Highs: True

Lows: The lowest

I am still on the chase for my #sonewyork life of fulfillment. And although I have regrets about individual circumstance from my time in New York so far, I don’t regret my decision to pack my bags and just show up. I’ve wanted to give up (and frankly, if I wasn’t in graduate school for another year and a half, I probably would), but I keep holding onto the hope that, one day, things will work out for me. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be next month, but I sure hope the date lands in 2013.

New York City Life: Consistently Inconsistent

It seems the only part of city life that is constant is inconsistency. As soon as I get an upgrade in one area of life, another takes a downgrade. Us 20-somethings are always on the move – not just from place to place, but from job to job, apartment to apartment, and group to group.

Our futures in the City are uncertain – we haven’t made it enough to feel stable, we’re always trying to find footing, and many of us haven’t decided if we love it enough here to stay once we do establish ourselves.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m loving my experience in New York (and I’ve been lucky), but sometimes I get in one of those moods, you know? Thinking of all the other things I could be doing with my life.

But, if I can play psychiatrist for a minute, isn’t that what’s wrong with my generation? We’re uncommitted (I don’t know if I want to stay here), we’re entitled (why don’t I have my dream job yet?), and we’re impatient (“23, degree, way to be – I should have the world”).

My desires? Inconsistent. My bank account? Inconsistent. My dreams? Inconsistent. My attitude? Inconsistent. Self-esteem? Inconsistent. 

Is there a 40 or 50-something out there who can tell me they felt the same way, that I’m normal, and that everything will work itself out? (And to agree that I am uncommitted, entitled, and impatient?)

Being 23 is supposed to be a time of freedom – but the only thing I feel free to do is ask myself ambiguous half questions/ half thoughts that I don’t have the answer to (and then post them on a blog).

Every 20-Something New Yorker Needs

When you uproot yourself and start fresh in a new place there are a lot of things you need to learn or relearn. Along with that you need to have the right tools to get you in the position you want to be in.

Here are some things every 20-something in the City needs:

A Smart Phone: You probably have one but if you don’t then you need to get one. My iPhone has helped me out so much since I’ve moved here. Your freshman year of college you didn’t want to carry around a map of campus on the first day, and believe me, you don’t want to do that here – you’ll likely look like a tourist (gross).

A back bone: I have trouble with this. You don’t need to be rude, but you often need to be assertive to get what you want, or even what you need. People in New York have heard every excuse, every reason, and every one from the book as to why you need to do this or get that right now. Most times, they just don’t give a sh*t. You still need to stand up straight and hold your ground (within reason).

The Ability to Laugh at Yourself: You didn’t lift up your briefcase when you went through the turnstile at the subway station and tripped in front of everyone? Laugh at yourself. Your heel got stuck in the sidewalk and you feel on your face in front of everyone? Laugh at yourself. You spilt a piping hot coffee all over the counter at Starbucks? Laugh at yourself (but only after you make sure no one got burnt).

More Than One ‘Look’: Not that you or I are shallow and care about what others think of us based on our outward appearance, but if we did…

… Then we’d need to be able to dress to impress. Style is a way for us to express ourselves and still look exactly like everybody else. You need different looks for different ‘scenes.’ Going to Brooklyn for the day you’ll want to look Crunchy Granola or some variety of Hipster. Going to hang out on the Upper East Side? Try a little Upper Middle Class on for size. Going down to SoHo you’ll want to look well put together, but like you didn’t try. You’ll want everyone to know that you know that you look really well put together, but you don’t want them to know that you thought  a lot about your outfit.

I know, I know – we could argue that having to change your look goes against everything you believe in about being yourself and all those encouraging words they pumped into you in elementary school (which are important). BUT I doubt that you fit into one very narrow style/ fashion genre anyway. I think we’re all a mix of a lot of things. And if you aren’t then have fun trying to find the other .005% of the population that has the exact same style as you.

A Go-With-The-Flow Attitude: Crap happens. Sh*t is gonna go down. Plans will change. Just take life as it comes and role with the bunches (yes, the brunches – because New York City brunches are now the measure of our lives). It can be hard but try not to get to frustrated in the moment. Let things pass and just move on.

An Opinion: You need to have an opinion on pretty much everything. People know current events here and want to know what you think. You can agree to disagree but please try to have some idea of what people are talking about.

Five Places That Make You Sound Like You Know What’s Up: I don’t have time. I don’t have money. When people say that they want to come visit and experience the real New York I think, “Yeah, Me too!” In order for me to sound a lot cooler than I am I have about five places in mind to take people to make it sound like I’ve been about town. In reality I’ve been to each place only once (except this Mac n’ Cheese place – let’s be honest I’ve been there five times).

“Oh I know this really great place that has baked Mac n’ Cheese on the Lower East Side.”

“We have to go to the Standard Hotel down in the Meatpacking district to get drinks this weekend.”

“Oh, you mean the cafe from You’ve Got Mail? Yeah of course I know where that is. I’ve been there. Or we could go to the diner from Seinfeld because I know where that is too.”

“I know this great coffee place by Washington Square Park we could go to.”

“Where are we going?” “You’ve never heard of it – it’s a New York thing.”

New York City and a 20-Something: Marital Problems

New York and I continue to have marital problems. I continue (in thought) to cheat on it with the Midwest, and it (through action) tries to get me to pack-up and leave. Although we’re both guilty of not trying our best to make this relationship work, we continue to show each other, in little ways, we care.

This is not one of those moments:

The other day I was on my way to work and I missed my train by about 10 seconds (thanks to a stop at McDonalds). Not really that big of an issue because the next one was to arrive in two minutes.

Once it does, I board and make my way to an open seat. A few minutes later we stop mid-tunnel. I don’t raise a brow because it happens all the time. Forty-five minutes later; however, my brow was more than raised. Apparently someone on the train in front of us had pulled the emergency break.

So annoying/ thank God I wasn’t on that train.

Finally we role up to 116 Street where I get off and walk down 20 blocks to an express train. By the point, it is 9:15 and everyone is really annoyed that they are late for work.

After my initial annoyance wore off (that’s a lie – just trying to make you think I can adapt well in stressful situations) – I tried to look at the bright side.

As I walk down to the next train I thought, “Perhaps something extraordinary will happen. Maybe I’ll meet the love of my life. Maybe I’ll help deliver a baby. Maybe I’ll find $20! Perhaps something will happen that will make all this annoyance, hassle, and tardiness worthwhile! Today will be my day!”

At 9:46 I walked into work without a new love, having helped bring no new life into the world, and still broke.