How do I judge myself? Let me count the ways

Do you ever think, “OMG if someone just saw me do that or heard me think that I swear I’d be ostracized from society?” I’m really banking on not being the only one who does, so that on Judgment Day there are other weirdoes who have racked up more crazy points than I have.

As a 20-something in New York City, my judgment senses are always tingling, but recently I’ve been the biggest blip on my own radar.

How do I judge me? Let me count the ways:

1. Signing up for OkCupid, IvyDate, and DateMySchool accounts all in one night. And then proceeding to actively use all of them.

2. When I pick my subway car based on how many hotties I spy with my little eye as it roles into the station.

3. When my classmates are talking about all the moving documentaries they watched over the weekend and I can’t contribute because I spent my time watching Dance Moms30 Rock, and finding the latest Honey Boo Boo gifs on BuzzFeed.

4. When it’s Friday night and my friends are out drinking pints of beer and I’m at home with a pint of my own: Ben & Jerry.

5. When I buy two lattes a day (but don’t have the money to pay my rent or bills on time). I just need to stop and ask myself, “Self, do you really need this latte?”

6. When I actually take my headphones off because I want to listen to, and watch, subway performers. “I hit you, I pay you.” Sweet, by all means then, please whack me in the face as you do a handstand in the middle of the D train.

7. When I listen to JAY-Z’s “Empire State of Mind” or Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York” while walking in the City.

8. When I use the YouTube app to listen to “Perfect Day” from the Legally Blonde soundtrack. “It’s the perfect day, nothing standing in my way,” except for the fact that I got laid off, can’t pay my bills, and am listening to “Perfect Day” from the Legally Blonde soundtrack.

9. When I post selfies on Instagram but try to have a cool background to distract from the fact that I’m posting a selfie on Instagram. I don’t give a rip about the background; I just know I look damn good.