10 Things I’d Like to Say to New York City

1. Yes, I do live in Harlem, and no I don’t feel like I’m going to get mugged every time I leave my house. But thanks for your concern.

2. New York, how do I determine if someone is old enough that I should offer them my seat on the subway? I just look around and think, “Is she old enough I should offer my seat… Or he old enough?” I have yet to offer my seat to a woman who I think is with child, and isn’t, but with my luck I know that awkward encounter is bound to come.

3. Are you sure I can’t control my own heat? This whole radiator thing isn’t working out. Too hot. Too cold. Too hot. Too cold. My relationship with the temperature in my room shouldn’t sound like the plot to a Katy Perry song.

4. If I were you I wouldn’t let people spit all over me… No, literally, people are spitting inside your subway stations – not cool.

5. Why do people put squirrels in coats and on leashes here? Oh, that was a dog?! Fooled me.

6. I wouldn’t hate seeing more street meat carts on every corner. That stuff be good. Just sayin’.

7. The Big Apple? The only big apples I have seen here have been bit off of and are hanging from glass storefronts full of computers. Over sized Granny Smiths or Golden Delicious are what I expected – kind of a let down.

8. Wiat, what? The excitement of taking a cab in the Big City goes away? What do you mean soon enough it will ‘just feel like another way to get from here to there’?

9. I can’t say that I’m surprised that you make fun of New Jersey more than the rest of the country. But is NJ really that bad?

10. Why must I be reminded every day that I sold out to The Man by seeing a Chase Bank and Starbucks every five blocks? I’m already laiden with guilt – let my just live me life!