Reflections/ confessions on turning 26

I'm 26. I'm now five years out from my first beer, four years out from feeling 22 alongside TayTay, and one year out from being able to rent a car. I didn't gain much at 26, in fact I lost something: health insurance. 

I don't feel old. I actually still feel really young. But this is the first year in forever when I don't know what's next. If you haven't picked up on it yet, I came home from Germany early. (That's a story and a half - but to sum it up: my host family and I weren't a match).

Up until now I've known, at least in part, where my life was gonna take me in the next 12 months. Life has always been full of school or a move on the horizon. There was always some big life event I knew would be a bookend followed by a fresh start. I don't have that right now. I'm sleeping on an air mattress in my parents' basement. I spend my days watching reality shows, eating foods I know I shouldn't, avoiding calls from creditors, and liking photos of random cute boys on Instagram hoping they'll notice me. All this leads to the question: Did I peak in grad school?

I'm writing a lot and job searching, too. I've had multiple interviews where I try to trick people into hiring me. Pizza Hut, Wendy's, and B-Dubs are all hiring! (I mean… so I hear… Not like I noticed the signs on the doors as I walked into each of them to pick up carryout…)

Anyway, let's focus less on the past/ current state of my life and use blanket statements of optimism to make this hardship sound ok! 

It's all gonna work out. It's only a matter of time. It'll all come together as it should. This too shall pass. When God closes one door he opens a window [to jump out of?]. Just be patient. Just have faith. It's in God's hands. Just keep your nose to the grindstone. Which ones did I miss? Oh: The right opportunity will present itself. This is just because there's something better out there waiting for you.

I've always believed most of those phrases, placing my faith in their truth. But, if I can be honest, and I suppose I can, I'm worried. For the first time in a long time I'm scared - about finding work, about paying my bills, about reaching the goals I've been working toward. I feel this Germany mishap has set me off track - that the momentum I've been pacing at for years was halted.(Hold on - it's 11:11. Let me make a wish... K I'm done).

Why am I sharing all of this? Good question. I suppose it's to keep the theme of transparency. Some of you may recall a video I put of Facebook recently where I was eating frosting with a fork in my PJs. With all this time on my hands, I find myself examining the lives of my friends on social media and thinking: Wow, my life was pretty great four months ago, where did I go wrong? Even though much of what I see online is real, it's usually only the highlights. We make our lives seem more appealing than they are. I suppose this is my attempt to be authentic - my jab at being real - and maybe even relatable.

As a journalists I hope people will trust me with their stories. If I expect that from them, they should be able to expect that from me, too, shouldn't they? Well, y'all, this is the story of my right now, not the story of my forever. This is my current truth - my life without filters or cropping or editing.

I know, that was lots of blabbering. There is, however, one statement I still maintain is true: All this drama and hardship will make my E! True Hollywood Story much more interesting.