10 Things New York City Would Like to Say to Me

1. Yes, you do still look like a tourist.

2. No, I can’t split your check, stop asking.

3. Oh, you thought catching a cab would be as easy as it looks in the movies? That’s so cute.

4. Man up and cross the street like a real New Yorker.

5. Hey, you can’t just stop here and look at the magazines while you wait for your train. Buy it or leave.

6. No, 7 p.m. is way too early, try leaving your place around 10.

7. Squirrels here are New Yorkers too, they’re kind of abrasive. They only have so much room to live.

8. It’s not called ‘pop,’ it’s soda: I will fight you on this.

9. I am sorry to say you’ve been voted off the island. The City has spoken… And it’s been telling you to stop singing Adele every moment you get.

10. No, no – Staten Island is the borough, not Long Island.