Y'all seem to appreciate my blog's candor and "real talk" tone - so Imma keep it going: over sharing, openness, and transparency.
I've been feelin' down recently. Shocking, I know. I find it odd, too, because I think I'm in a pretty good life place right now. I love my job, my friends and family are great, and I'm realizing more and more how Fort Wayne, Indiana is kind of an awesome place.
I've always wanted people to like me. I consider myself a "people pleaser." That's had to change over the years. Example: it would please many people in my life if I wasn't gay. But I've learned how to be okay with doing what is best for me, even when others disagree.
I still care what people think about me. I care about what you think about me. I suppose most people do. I think I often care too much. Sometimes I joke about how "likes" and comments on social media fuel my self worth. Or about how others right-swipe my self esteem into existence on Tinder. It'd be funny… if it wasn't so true.
I recently deleted three dating apps from my phone [because boys are the worst and none of them deserve me]. On one hand, getting rid of them is very good. On the other hand, it makes me sad. It's true, they often made me feel crappy, but they also made me feel really good. I liked the attention. Now that they're gone, I'm not getting it. And I miss it. I miss feeling wanted.
I've been thinking a lot about why I miss these dating apps. Why do I need boy attention? Why do I need your attention?
I want to be enough for myself. I want to have self-worth that doesn't come from your likes, or his comments, or her shares. I want to be satisfied by liking the everyday Jason I am. Not by letting others determine how likable or lovable I am. (This is beginning to sound like one of those "Self Esteem & You" pamphlets you'd find in a high school guidance counselor's office).
I'm not saying I need to learn to not appreciate when people "like" what I post. But I do think there has to be a healthier way for me to appreciate it. I'm also not confessing a deep self hate. I like myself. Sometimes I think I'm a pretty all right person, other times not. Depends on the day.
I'm saying I want to care less what others think about me. I want to rely less on the approval of others for my own approval. I want to believe, more consistently, that I am a pretty all right person. Relying less on the affirmation of others can only be a good thing, right? I should love myself all the time, not just after taking a good selfie or writing something that got a lot of reads.
Anyway - all that said - I have a plan: A three-month experiment. It's designed to help me reorient where I get some of the good feelz about myself. Who knows, maybe this is better suited for a therapist than by a plan I threw together myself. I guess that's why the word "experiment" is fitting. I'm not trying to overhaul my life. I don't expect this to be a cure all. But I do hope it can help me recalibrate a bit.
Jason's Three-Month Experiment Includes:
- Dropping data from phone plan
- Replacing time spent on phone with reading and/or writing
- Joining a CrossFit box and commiting to going three days a week
- Staying off dating sites/ apps
How will these things help you, Jason?
No phone data: I won't be constantly looking at how many "likes" and comments my posts have; less time wasted not being productive; no more data overage costs; it's a way to reallocate funds to joining a CrossFit box. I'm not going social media free - just using it less.
More reading/ writing: Always a good thing! Especially when trying to write a book manuscript.
CrossFit: I did it in Germany and I miss it; a "healthy" component to a "happy and healthy life;" getting involved in the community/ meeting new people; working toward loving the body I'm in; brings me away from work, home, and coffee shop (the only three places I ever go to).
No dating apps: Less distraction; not looking for something and being disappointed when I don't find it; less chance of getting my poor lil ole heart hurt.
When will you do this? Monday, June 1 - Monday, August, 31st.
Will you blog about it? Obvi! Probably not everyday, but hopefully a couple times a week.
If you were to give this life chapter a cheesy, yet clever and fitting, title, what would it be? Myles to Go.
How can I support you? BY LIKING THIS POST. Wait. No. That's what I'm trying to avoid. Ummmmm… I guess by asking me how it's going/ making sure I'm staying on top of things. You can always shoot me a text or Facebook message. I think words of encouragement are okay. Just don't, ya know, inflate my ego too much.
Wish me luck! Or don't. But you can. If you want. No pressure. It's up to you. But I'd like that. Though not too much… because I don't care what you think… I mean I do… but I'm trying to care less… not that your opinion isn't worth liking… I just want to like mine, too.